Consensual Nonmonogamy
The practice of pratyahara is, admittedly, a smidge idealist. We all have some attachments. That’s not a bad thing – how fortunate we are to have people we care about so much as to attach to! However, it is vital to the health of any relationship to develop & respect the health of those attachments.
As Jessica Fern states in her book Polysecure:
“Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner. The narratives people have about love, marriage, primary partnership, & how to achieve relationship security are powerful, so much so that just the idea of being in love, married, or in a primary partnership can lead us to think we are experiencing attachment security when in reality we might not be.”
By questioning the nature of the emotion behind the associated attachment, we are able to verify the validity. In recognizing this pattern, we are able to separate assumption, or more often, reaction, from mindful thought & conscious selection.
Below, we examine some of the common narratives, attachments, & misconceptions as it relates to consensual nonmonogamy as we bust through the bullshit & replace fear-based notions with love-based energy. Make sure to also check out the Yamas & Niyamas to learn how this yogic code of conduct may apply to various sexual constructs such as jealousy, love by possession, & living your true sexual self.
No, polyamory is not the same as cheating. The main difference? Whereas cheating inherently involves emotional dishonesty & deceit, polyamory is based on creating intimate connections based on open & honest communication, trust, informed consent, & mutual respect.
All too often, the notion of polyamory is quite reductive in that it is associated with sex. If we allow ourselves to let go of sex as a function of polyamory, we are more open to the core of the practice which is about creating love, intimacy, & connection with one another.
The practice of polyamory & the associated community upholds stringent values on communication & safety. The practice of safer sex is no exception. Practicing safer sex is prioritized through usage of condoms & contraceptives, agreements that outline which partners may share bodily fluids (also known as fluid bonding), & getting tested regularly. The practice of sharing recent test results with any sexual partners, new or established, is encouraged & necessary.
I’ve never understood the logic of how committing to several people at one time equates to commitment issues. Yes, perhaps commitment may look differently in a polyamorous relationship, but this is nothing new. The way in which we love & communicate looks differently in each relationship, polyamorous or not. Defining what commitment means to you is a point of significance in any relationship.
There often appears to be an assumption of insecurity, especially with regards to a woman’s participation in a polyamorous relationship. And yet, if we expand our viewpoint, we see this is an unfortunate truth for some, regardless of relationship structure. Using sex as a method of validation is an unfortunate truth in our vanity-driven culture. Participating in a positive, healthy polyamorous relationship is a subject of agency, not insecurity, & is one that encourages open communication & authentic expression.
The above statement comes from a place of ignorance. Developing an awareness of our unhealthy attachments goes hand-in-hand with developing a bullshit meter for all the thoughts that comes along with them. The narrative that your partner wouldn’t be looking at someone else if they really loved you is utter BS & so is the doubt, confusion, & jealousy that comes with it. We so readily accept & appreciate our inherent ability to love many without loving one any less when it comes to our children, friends, & family members. Why is it that we feel compelled to make this limiting exception to romantic love?
